Welcome, YMCA patron! We’re thrilled to see you’ve reinstated your membership after cancelling it 15 months ago. We’ve modified our guidelines in this semi-post-COVID limbo so you can safely return to your inconsistent pre-pandemic self-torture routine. Although state health and safety requirements are mostly a thing of the past, our…

Keep the kids focused and occupied with a useful chore. — Step 1: Shut off your house’s main circuit breaker Cutting the power will immediately get their attention. Run into the family room where they’ll be complaining about the TV suddenly turning off. Tell them the electric company is after you because you couldn’t afford to pay your bill, so it’s time to dig up Great Uncle Wallace. Point to…

Don’t listen to those haters who say social media can’t bring you real happiness. — Don’t listen to those haters who say social media can’t bring you real happiness; I’m happier and healthier than your wildest dreams could ever dream of being, thanks to constant validation. Those quack specialists may call it “textbook narcissism” but my guru calls it mindfulness, because my mind is full…

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except dying in a mass shooting and taxes. Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead from a mass shooting. Lost time is never found again when you die in a mass shooting. Work as if you…

I put my pants on one leg at a time. — Look, I’m just like everyone else — I put my pants on one leg at a time. And by the time I get to the twelfth pant leg, I usually have to switch on my Gravity Girdle™ so the temporal distortion field doesn’t make my pants slide back down when…

Dear Andy, After careful consideration, the editors of Sweet Buddy Bunn’s Chili Roundup and Flash Fiction Review have selected the following short story and chili pairings as the winners of our spring Five Alarm Fiction Rodeo contest: First Prize: “Hunting at Night” by “Hollerin’” Hank Hennessy of Langley, Washington and his “Cluck of the Irish” white chicken chili Second Prize: “Abstract Heckhole” by Kenny Wishbone of Mooresville, North Carolina and his hybrid black bean Cincinnati chili “Shazazmo!”

“Is fishes?” She arched an eyebrow and cocked her head to the opposite side. The other restless passengers bristled past us to the baggage carousel like water flowing around a rock. “I’m sorry, is what fishes?” …

Finding a snake in your yard isn’t necessarily cause for alarm, but copperheads are venomous and should be approached with caution. Follow this handy guide for proper identification and handling. Does the snake’s body have brown and orange coloration with a dark hourglass pattern? Yeah, I think so. Drop to…

The Immortal An Instagram influencer buys a sourdough starter from an eBay seller in Jerusalem who claims the wild yeast comes from the dinner table at the Last Supper. The starter grows rapidly and threatens to overtake the influencer’s entire apartment. She gives dozens of pieces to friends and family but still…