Published in Slackjaw·Jul 3, 2021Member-onlyUpdated YMCA Guidelines For Group Fitness Classes Semi-Post-COVIDWelcome, YMCA patron! We’re thrilled to see you’ve reinstated your membership after cancelling it 15 months ago. We’ve modified our guidelines in this semi-post-COVID limbo so you can safely return to your inconsistent pre-pandemic self-torture routine. Although state health and safety requirements are mostly a thing of the past, our…Humor4 min read
Published in Slackjaw·May 30, 2021Member-onlyHow To Convince Your Kids To Help You Dig Up Your Uncle’s Corpse And Find The Next Clue To Your Family’s Hidden FortuneKeep the kids focused and occupied with a useful chore. — Step 1: Shut off your house’s main circuit breaker Cutting the power will immediately get their attention. Run into the family room where they’ll be complaining about the TV suddenly turning off. Tell them the electric company is after you because you couldn’t afford to pay your bill, so it’s time to dig up Great Uncle Wallace. Point to…Humor4 min read
Published in Slackjaw·May 28, 2021Member-onlyThe Unexpected Health Benefits Of Constant ValidationDon’t listen to those haters who say social media can’t bring you real happiness. — Don’t listen to those haters who say social media can’t bring you real happiness; I’m happier and healthier than your wildest dreams could ever dream of being, thanks to constant validation. Those quack specialists may call it “textbook narcissism” but my guru calls it mindfulness, because my mind is full…Humor4 min read
Published in The Haven·Apr 13, 2021Member-onlyMaxims From Poor Richard’s Almanack For 2021In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except dying in a mass shooting and taxes. Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead from a mass shooting. Lost time is never found again when you die in a mass shooting. Work as if you…Humor1 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Mar 26, 2021Member-onlyI’m Just Like Everyone ElseI put my pants on one leg at a time. — Look, I’m just like everyone else — I put my pants on one leg at a time. And by the time I get to the twelfth pant leg, I usually have to switch on my Gravity Girdle™ so the temporal distortion field doesn’t make my pants slide back down when…Humor3 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Jan 8, 2021Member-onlyThank You For Submitting To Our Flash Fiction Contest And Chili Cook-OffDear Andy, After careful consideration, the editors of Sweet Buddy Bunn’s Chili Roundup and Flash Fiction Review have selected the following short story and chili pairings as the winners of our spring Five Alarm Fiction Rodeo contest: First Prize: “Hunting at Night” by “Hollerin’” Hank Hennessy of Langley, Washington and his “Cluck of the Irish” white chicken chili Second Prize: “Abstract Heckhole” by Kenny Wishbone of Mooresville, North Carolina and his hybrid black bean Cincinnati chili “Shazazmo!”Humor1 min read
Dec 16, 2020Member-onlyStocking the Pond“Is fishes?” She arched an eyebrow and cocked her head to the opposite side. The other restless passengers bristled past us to the baggage carousel like water flowing around a rock. “I’m sorry, is what fishes?” …Short Story4 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Oct 10, 2020Member-onlyThe Definitive Guide To Identifying A Copperhead SnakeFinding a snake in your yard isn’t necessarily cause for alarm, but copperheads are venomous and should be approached with caution. Follow this handy guide for proper identification and handling. Does the snake’s body have brown and orange coloration with a dark hourglass pattern? Yeah, I think so. Drop to…Humor3 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Sep 11, 2020Member-onlyJorge Luis Borges’s Lockdown LabyrinthsThe Immortal An Instagram influencer buys a sourdough starter from an eBay seller in Jerusalem who claims the wild yeast comes from the dinner table at the Last Supper. The starter grows rapidly and threatens to overtake the influencer’s entire apartment. She gives dozens of pieces to friends and family but still…Humor4 min read
Published in How Pants Work·Jun 9, 2020Member-onlyHow Vanilla Ice Solves Problems in 2020‘Sup, guys! Rob here. Yeah, I go by Rob now even though my home improvement show is called The Vanilla Ice Project. Ten seasons and still going strong on the DIY Network, boy-ee! Yo, but it is a real network! All right, stop. Can you believe I dropped “Ice Ice…Humor3 min read
